i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
