I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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