Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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