I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
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