I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
