I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I know her cup size but not her name....
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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