Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
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