what if every blade of grass was a penis?
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
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