im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I'm getting married
To pizza
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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