sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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