atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Randomize
