how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
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