I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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