smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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