I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I pour the whiskey from now on
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
