Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Randomize
