Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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