Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
