I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
