I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I can feel your judgement through the phone
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
