I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
