evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
