A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Randomize
