I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Randomize
