Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
