the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
