I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Randomize
