Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
