oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
you inspire me to be a worse person
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
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