my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Randomize
