everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Randomize
