It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Randomize
