apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Randomize
