i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
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