You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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