I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
FUCK WHALES
I need to align my fucking chakras
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
