The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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