im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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