he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I yelled at your uterus for you.
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