i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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