i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Dicks are not precious.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
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