I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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