the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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