Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize