Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
