so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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