I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
