Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I have tasted many bathrooms
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
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