Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
