highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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