Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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