If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
