i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
