Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
