I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Randomize
