im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
