I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
