i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
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