I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize