my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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