I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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