Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Randomize
