If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
