non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
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