i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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