So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
i think my mom watched the whole time
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
