I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Randomize
