i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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