um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
