This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Randomize
