just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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