We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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